Everyday life at work as a trans non-binary person: a personal story

Hi, I am Marcel. My pronouns are they/them, and I am a Communication Officer at Mental Health Europe.  

This year, for Trans Awareness Week, I wanted to take a bit of this space and share my experience as a trans non-binary person at work: changes, doubts, questions, fears, moments of euphoria, and surprises.  

Before sharing my experience, I want to make a disclaimer. This is my story, my journey, my emotions and my learnings. Some trans experiences might be similar, but some might be completely different. Each person, trans or cisgender, is unique, and so are our stories. By sharing mine, I hope to play a little part in creating more inclusive, understanding and empathetic environments for trans and non-binary people out there.

Rule number 1: never assume

I always knew I was trans. That’s just how it was for me – I have memories dated back to kindergarten where I felt very clearly that I was not a girl, and I was not a boy. Then, life happened. I tried to fit in, but I did not manage. Fast forward to today – surprise! I am a trans non-binary person.  

As a white person with a middle-class background, a Master’ level education, a stable job and a strong community, I am aware I live a privileged life compared to others, and the issues I face rarely threaten my physical safety. However, in the past few years, the number of public attacks on the trans community has skyrocketed – Europe included. When trans people’s value as human beings is constantly debated, ridiculed, minimised, and threatened, you do not need to have experienced aggression to start fearing for your safety, in all places and contexts. Work included. The rule of thumb becomes that if you always assume the worst, then you will be safe.  

When translated into a professional context, this reminder easily translates into the awareness that you can never be 100% sure that the person in front of you will understand and respect you as a trans person. You cannot assume they will know what non-binary means, you cannot assume they will not comment on you with other people, and you cannot assume they will hear you when you share your pronouns again. This is also due to the fact that most people don’t even consider that someone might not be cisgender, regardless of how they look and present. Being trans is still seen as the exception, and being non-binary is really not considered at all.  

Now, think about a regular working day: how many interactions do you have? I am talking about not only colleagues but also all those people we cross at the coffee machine, on lunch breaks, in external meetings, and in project calls. For each of these interactions, imagine having those thoughts constantly in the back of your mind, wondering how long it will take for them to misgender you and for you to freeze and be unable to say anything. One, two, three, a hundred times. 

Hi, I am Marcel 

This is why, when I started to use a new name – Marcel – in my private life a few months ago, the thought of having to go through the same process at work would terrify me. How am I supposed to come out to all those people? Some of the external partners I work with still misgender me after two years, regardless of my pronouns being displayed everywhere, and regardless of my colleagues advocating for me to help ease that burden. So, I tried to delay the new announcement as much as I could, until I just couldn’t anymore. Introducing slow changes in our personal life first is a great technique to give ourselves time to figure out some things, but at some point, it starts feeling like we live two lives, always being reminded that being ourselves is more of a luxury than a state of things. 

What if they think it’s annoying? What if it’s too much to ask? What if it’s going to be hard and complicated for people to pick up? What if it doesn’t work, and I change my name again? This last bit is quite a relevant one. Trans people don’t owe you absolute certainty of every small step they take. Anyway, long story short, with all these thoughts mixed up in my head, I took some courage and shared the news of my new name with my team: it went great, everyone picked it up and shared their enthusiasm with me. I did not have many doubts about Mental Health Europe being happy, understanding and excited for me, but the biggest question always being all the other people. 

Finally, I decided to change my name in my email signature and add a small, highlighted sentence: “Hi, I changed my name! See below, and FAQ here,” linking to a LinkedIn post I shared about my new name, with some basic questions and context. Spoiler: up until now, it all went very well! A couple of people congratulated me for the change, and some others just used the new name without much bother. There is still a little voice in my head: will they keep misgendering me, even now? Maybe, but the support and acknowledgement I received in these past weeks is enough right now to make me smile every time someone calls me Marcel, when a few months ago it all seemed impossible.  

Allies and community: we need you 

Many things feel impossible when you are trans, especially at the beginning: changing your pronouns, changing your name, accessing gender-affirming care, starting HRT, coming out to your family, coming out at work, changing your documents… It all feels so far away, so big and complicated, and ultimately too hard for you to achieve. But then, step by step, you meet the right people at the right time, and they make it a bit easier for you to come out of your shell and experience the euphoria of being yourself. Even at work.  

We need more outspoken allies who will not tolerate misgendering and transphobic comments and will speak up for their colleagues. We need more true advocates who are not afraid of asking their trans colleagues how they can help, and what they can do to (quite literally) make their life easier at work. We need people who understand that trans lives are not up for debate and that, in the current political environment, we are not okay. We need to raise as a community to keep each other safe and celebrate each other’s stories. We need to counterbalance the hate and misinformation with care, attention and awareness. We need to be ready and step in for each other, and sometimes, step back and listen.